Today, my belly button is really oval rather than the circle it used to be. I’m trying to get used to it’s new shape. It feels different to me as well! I’ve been feeling more movement lately, more than just fluttering, but not yet kicking or punching (I hope I don’t get elbowed in the ribs!) I am trying to figure out what this new movement is, but it may not be anything more than him turning around. Who knows. He may still not bebig enough for me to feel a kick. Almost 21 weeks pregnant, I wonder when I’ll feel the first kick!
Lately I’ve been reading some Pregnancy Magazines that I got a while back, and also watching TLC a bit (baby story, etc) and it makes me wonder if I am going to be a good mother. I also have been watching Oprah’s 20th Anniversary DVD box set, and I wonder if I will be as horrible as some of these mothers that Oprah has interviewed, etc… I hope not! But you know, it makes me very paranoid, that I am going to be responsible for the decisions of another human being. What if I don’t raise him properly? What if we send him to the wrong school? What if because of this he makes the wrong friends? What if he rebels against everything I say or do for him? I think it’s just a phase I’m going through, with all these thoughts in my mind…. knowing that every action I take, will affect the way he is brought up, raised, etc…. It’s a scary feeling right now. I am sure it will go away. I keep telling myself “I will be a good mother, I will be a good mother” but it will take a lot of love, patience, care and understanding to be a good mother, and I hope I have it in me. I wonder if all mother’s go through the exact same feelings when pregnant with their first child.
Today I spent some time with my mother-in-law and my in-law’s friend Tammy from Vancouver. I oddly ended up for a couple of hours at Maimonidies, an old age residence. (My grandfather lived there for a few years before he passed away in 1989). (I haven’t been there since). We sat outside a bit with Tammy’s father, and it smelled like piss. Eventually we took Tammy to the mall next door (where the Roots bear above was bought). Then we came back (I was stuck with no car) and we were in the dining area of the floor her father lives on, and it smelled like feces. Gosh, I hope that I don’t end up in a place like that. I don’t want to be old and smell other people’s uncontrollable bowel movements. I don’t think I would ever be able to even work in a place like that. The smell just got to me.
My mother-in-law made me dinner last night, and it was superb. I love her cooking. On my way home, I stopped and picked up my pictures, and then headed home. I’m about to go watch more Oprah (20th Anniversary DVD box set).