11.09.10 :: One Year Later

A year ago today I wasn't feeling well. After lunch it started and Jamie took me to the hospital. I was almost 7 weeks pregnant, due with our 3rd child, in the summer of 2010. I started to bleed, and lost the baby. That wait at the hospital after blood work, urine analysis and ultrasounds, was the hardest day of my life. Harder than laboring 65 hours between my first two children. When they come in and tell you that you've lost the baby, it's heartbreaking. No parent or trying-to-become parent wants to hear the words. It's been a very difficult year since that day, a year ago. I spent a good 6 months in a deep dark depression. We tried for months to get pregnant again. I finally got pregnant again, in April of 2010, and we announced it in June 2010 when I hit 12 weeks, just in case I miscarried again. After 2 healthy pregnancies carrying Sean & Mackenzie, the miscarriage is still a mystery and the fact that it took half a year to get pregnant again, was a mystery. My body probably just needed to heal from everything it went through.

I've thought a lot over the last year about the baby that I lost. I wonder sometimes about that baby. And when I get sad about what happened, I'm instantly reminded about the fact that I have two healthy wonderful boys. I love them to bits & pieces and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. I also am very thankful for a very loving and supportive husband for being there for me when I have needed him most on that day, and during the last year. Honestly, today would have been absolutely difficult, if I didn't have baby 3 in my belly. I feel blessed that I was able to get pregnant, again, let alone be over 33 weeks pregnant, frantically preparing for his arrival. (As he kicks me to let me know his presence, as I type this).

Today I lit a candle for my lost angel in heaven, for all the other lost babies in heaven. I said a little prayer for all those moms and moms-yet-to-be, whom cannot conceive or conceive and lose. I hope they are too able to one day conceive again.

It's taken me a year to be able to come forward publicly about my miscarriage. Close friends and immediate family know about what I went through. Those whom have gone through it too, have been very supportive. Those whom have not, have been supportive too - in their own way. I didn't really know too many people that had gone through this same thing before experiencing it myself. I find now the more I am starting to open up and talk about - that other people that I know, have experienced it too. While I don't wish it upon anyone, I can't believe how common it is.

Throughout the last year, I've wanted to talk a few times on my blog about what I was going through, or what was on my mind. I never found the right time or the appropriate way. Today marks one year, and I finally felt it was the right time, so that I can now move on.

This morning I had an OB check up, and got fantastic news (despite my blood pressure being a little high - but that went down by the end of my appointment). My doc did a quick ultrasound in her office to triple check the situation with my placenta. My placenta has moved 3 cm away from my cervix - clearing me 100% of Placenta Praevia. We totally thought that this was not possible at all from it's original posterior position fully covering my cervix. Up until today I was 100% prepared for a scheduled Csection. My doctor today, upon clearing me from Placenta Praevia (though my placenta is still low-lying as it's supposed to be located above the baby), has convinced me to go for Vbac. I've only had one (emergency) Csection with Mackenzie, Sean was a natural birth (with epidural). So now we play the waiting game, and wait for me to go into labor, instead of showing up at the hospital for a scheduled medical intervention. My doctor gave me the list of pros and cons for both (Csection vs. Vbac) and honestly, the risks of Vbac are far less than the risks of a Csection. And the healing after a natural delivery is so much better than having my stomach cut open. After having a Csection to have Mackenzie, I felt as though I was run over by an 18 wheeler truck. I'd like to not feel like that ever again, if I do not have to. My next appointment I will be seeing my new doctor, my OB's colleague, as my doctor will be leaving shortly on her maternity leave, as she is due a week after me, on January 1st, 2011. I was assured that I am in good hands, and now that I am going to be delivering naturally (hoping to not have to have an emergency Csection - which still could possibly happen if my Vbac doesn't go smoothly), it doesn't necessarily mean that this new doctor will even be on call when I do go into labor.

A question for my readers: Have you gone for Vbac after having a Cesarean birth? If so, how did it go? If not, why did you choose to still have a planned Cesarean? I still have time to book a Cesarean if I decide to - I'm in the middle of weighing my options to make a final decision. I could also book a Cesarean and change my mind should I go into labor and my labor is progressing nicely and smoothly.

Here is my current progress of Cache Coeur.
It's going to need some serious blocking after it's done.

Tonight I went to a Montreal Guild Knit Meeting. I haven't been since I think April or May 2010. (They don't meet in the summer). I couldn't make it to the June meeting, and I think there was one meeting before that I think I was tired from the beginning of my pregnancy, so I didn't go. I am a member this year, but haven't been able to go to the September or October meeting, as I was taking a 6 week sewing course that happened to fall during this time. I finally got to go back last night, and enjoyed an evening out. Tanis Fiber Arts happened to be there to talk to us about her yarns and had some stuff to sell. I absolutely adore her yarns, and picked up a few things tonight. Above, is Yellow Label DK Weight in Lilac. I picked up 5 skeins to make a sweater or cardigan for myself. There is a good 1300 yards in these 5 skeins, so I have plenty to work with. Below, you have Yellow Label DK Weight in Olive. A possible sweater for baby 3, or maybe something for Mackenzie. (I have yarn waiting to go to knit Sean a new Team Canada Sweater in his appropriate size - if he still wants another one).