Tuesday, November 09, 2010

11.09.10 :: One Year Later

A year ago today I wasn't feeling well. After lunch it started and Jamie took me to the hospital. I was almost 7 weeks pregnant, due with our 3rd child, in the summer of 2010. I started to bleed, and lost the baby. That wait at the hospital after blood work, urine analysis and ultrasounds, was the hardest day of my life. Harder than laboring 65 hours between my first two children. When they come in and tell you that you've lost the baby, it's heartbreaking. No parent or trying-to-become parent wants to hear the words. It's been a very difficult year since that day, a year ago. I spent a good 6 months in a deep dark depression. We tried for months to get pregnant again. I finally got pregnant again, in April of 2010, and we announced it in June 2010 when I hit 12 weeks, just in case I miscarried again. After 2 healthy pregnancies carrying Sean & Mackenzie, the miscarriage is still a mystery and the fact that it took half a year to get pregnant again, was a mystery. My body probably just needed to heal from everything it went through.

I've thought a lot over the last year about the baby that I lost. I wonder sometimes about that baby. And when I get sad about what happened, I'm instantly reminded about the fact that I have two healthy wonderful boys. I love them to bits & pieces and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. I also am very thankful for a very loving and supportive husband for being there for me when I have needed him most on that day, and during the last year. Honestly, today would have been absolutely difficult, if I didn't have baby 3 in my belly. I feel blessed that I was able to get pregnant, again, let alone be over 33 weeks pregnant, frantically preparing for his arrival. (As he kicks me to let me know his presence, as I type this).

Today I lit a candle for my lost angel in heaven, for all the other lost babies in heaven. I said a little prayer for all those moms and moms-yet-to-be, whom cannot conceive or conceive and lose. I hope they are too able to one day conceive again.

It's taken me a year to be able to come forward publicly about my miscarriage. Close friends and immediate family know about what I went through. Those whom have gone through it too, have been very supportive. Those whom have not, have been supportive too - in their own way. I didn't really know too many people that had gone through this same thing before experiencing it myself. I find now the more I am starting to open up and talk about - that other people that I know, have experienced it too. While I don't wish it upon anyone, I can't believe how common it is.

Throughout the last year, I've wanted to talk a few times on my blog about what I was going through, or what was on my mind. I never found the right time or the appropriate way. Today marks one year, and I finally felt it was the right time, so that I can now move on.

This morning I had an OB check up, and got fantastic news (despite my blood pressure being a little high - but that went down by the end of my appointment). My doc did a quick ultrasound in her office to triple check the situation with my placenta. My placenta has moved 3 cm away from my cervix - clearing me 100% of Placenta Praevia. We totally thought that this was not possible at all from it's original posterior position fully covering my cervix. Up until today I was 100% prepared for a scheduled Csection. My doctor today, upon clearing me from Placenta Praevia (though my placenta is still low-lying as it's supposed to be located above the baby), has convinced me to go for Vbac. I've only had one (emergency) Csection with Mackenzie, Sean was a natural birth (with epidural). So now we play the waiting game, and wait for me to go into labor, instead of showing up at the hospital for a scheduled medical intervention. My doctor gave me the list of pros and cons for both (Csection vs. Vbac) and honestly, the risks of Vbac are far less than the risks of a Csection. And the healing after a natural delivery is so much better than having my stomach cut open. After having a Csection to have Mackenzie, I felt as though I was run over by an 18 wheeler truck. I'd like to not feel like that ever again, if I do not have to. My next appointment I will be seeing my new doctor, my OB's colleague, as my doctor will be leaving shortly on her maternity leave, as she is due a week after me, on January 1st, 2011. I was assured that I am in good hands, and now that I am going to be delivering naturally (hoping to not have to have an emergency Csection - which still could possibly happen if my Vbac doesn't go smoothly), it doesn't necessarily mean that this new doctor will even be on call when I do go into labor.

A question for my readers: Have you gone for Vbac after having a Cesarean birth? If so, how did it go? If not, why did you choose to still have a planned Cesarean? I still have time to book a Cesarean if I decide to - I'm in the middle of weighing my options to make a final decision. I could also book a Cesarean and change my mind should I go into labor and my labor is progressing nicely and smoothly.

Here is my current progress of Cache Coeur.
It's going to need some serious blocking after it's done.

Tonight I went to a Montreal Guild Knit Meeting. I haven't been since I think April or May 2010. (They don't meet in the summer). I couldn't make it to the June meeting, and I think there was one meeting before that I think I was tired from the beginning of my pregnancy, so I didn't go. I am a member this year, but haven't been able to go to the September or October meeting, as I was taking a 6 week sewing course that happened to fall during this time. I finally got to go back last night, and enjoyed an evening out. Tanis Fiber Arts happened to be there to talk to us about her yarns and had some stuff to sell. I absolutely adore her yarns, and picked up a few things tonight. Above, is Yellow Label DK Weight in Lilac. I picked up 5 skeins to make a sweater or cardigan for myself. There is a good 1300 yards in these 5 skeins, so I have plenty to work with. Below, you have Yellow Label DK Weight in Olive. A possible sweater for baby 3, or maybe something for Mackenzie. (I have yarn waiting to go to knit Sean a new Team Canada Sweater in his appropriate size - if he still wants another one).



Jen said...

I did a c section with my second after having an unplanned (but not quite emergency) one with my first. My recovery with my first was easy. She was also 8 lbs and had a head circumference that was off the charts. (#2 was nearly 9 lbs with an equally large head). So those were the reasons contributing to my decision. Since you had a tough recovery with your c section and have had a good vaginal birth experience I'd say go with the VBAC if you like. And you have small babies :)

Amelah said...

I said it when I original heard, so I will say it again - sorry for the loss of what could have been your son or daughter and my niece or nephew from last year. It is a terrible thing for any trying/expecting mother to go through and experience. I have never been through it and therefore can not relate in that sense - but can sympathize since that is a niece or nephew I too will never get to meet :( God works in mysterious ways, and whatever reason, he or she was not meant to be. Baby boy #3 is - and yes, you are very blessed with two handsome young men you have at home.

I love you with my all heart, and hope that you never have to experience any kind of loss in any kind of sense. It is a relief to know that while the memory will never be forgotten, you are able to put it to rest, and move on.

Whatever doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger and hopefully this unfortunate situation has made you a stronger mother, wife, sister, daughter and person.

Stay strong.
-Your Baby Sis xo

Amelah said...

I wanted to keep these as two separate posts, as I did not feel they should be put together.

Nice loot. I completely forget she was at the Guild last night. I meant to go!

Greta progress on Cache Coeur. Looking good.

sapphireblue said...

Hugs! We lost our little one at 20weeks and it was a huge blow. I went through panic attacks and severe depression, even though I was able to get pregnant right away. We had our son a few days before the anniversary of our loss. Although we were happy to have our son, it didn't take away the pain of the loss. Let me know if you need someone to talk to .

Anonymous said...

i too lost my first baby which was 49 years ago i often what it would of been i also didnt get pregrant for 9 months after, then i had to have 2 c sections as i cant go into labor the first one was 5 days in labor and of course those days no itrasound
si good luck

Zonda said...

((hugs)) so sorry for what you had to go through!

Glad to hear you are doing good and you now have a choice on your birthing plan. Mine were both natural (well over 2 weeks late with both!) Seriously, I went into labor both times the night before they were going to induce me.

Take care!

Kimber said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. No matter what happens in your life you will think about that baby and what might have been.

I lost my first baby and it was hard. I was also depressed and it was the worst time of my life. In fact it was a partial molar pregnancy so I had to be monitored for 6 months to make sure it wasn't cancer.

Nothing makes miscarriage or not being able to conceive easy. It sucks, point blank.

I wish I could give you a big hug!

I am thrilled that your praevia is no longer and wish you nothing but the BEST with the vbac!

halloweenlover said...

We've talked about this before, but again, I'm so sorry Robyn. It is impossibly hard to lose a baby.

Hugs to you. I can't wait to meet this little bugger, but I think you'll always remember that baby too.

g-girl said...

you are strong and brave woman. I'm sure it took a lot to blog about your loss but I'm also sure that it has helped ease at least a teeny bit of the pain you've been feeling. on the flip side, you're due with #3 and you've been cleared of placentia praevia--that is AWESOME. I didn't know it was possible to have VBac after you had already had a C-section so I'm the last person who should be giving any advice!!

kate-the-enabler said...

We also often wonder about baby-lost, between our two boys. It is sort of healing however, if a bit mind-bending, to think that neither Liam, nor Bronwyn would be with us today if baby-lost were...It would be a very different life, and trying to imagine NOT Liam and B is just impossible. Weird. But comforting. I'm tired. I hope I'm saying useful things here.
Re the VBAC - I was DELIGHTED to have 2 successful VBACs, they more than made up for an emergency, full-anaesthetic experience the first go-around. It was important to me, and I do think the entire experience, healing included was preferable. I think the main reason it was so important to me (aside from a not-very-noble wish to prove something to myself) was the ability to pick up the other two kids right away instead of having restricted lifitng for six weeks. I felt, for us, and the way our kids react to things, that this was critical. I think I'm out of comment for now - but feel free to continue this conversation by email. I'm up for all and any questions, as you know ;) Many congrats on the movement with the placenta, and hugs on this bittersweet? sad? difficult anniversary.

Tara said...

Glad you found a way to share that awful day with all of us, Robyn. Hugs.
ps: NICE YARN!!! :)

Maaike said...

Sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing (twice) and then had a healthy baby boy. I keep telling myself that it was nature's way of preventing us from having babies that weren't meant to be. If the babies had been born, they might have had serious problems so (for me at least) I was able to reconcile my loss with the thought of him/her having to live in pain or hardship all of his/her life.

Lindsey said...

oh Robyn, my heart goes out to you. i have not experienced this personally but as a friend and midwife i have been with other women during their times of loss. it can be so hard and the hurt is so real. the memory of that baby will always be with you but you have baby boy #3 coming soon! grief is hard to overcome so hang in there. thanks for sharing your story with you bloggy friends. you are in my prayers!

VBAC is a wonderful thing! the healing is so much quicker and it is so empowering at the same time. bottom line is, though, feel good about your decision...whatever you decide! your birth is yours and don't let anyone sway you in a direction you are not comfortable with. good luck!

jacquelyn karp said...

I had my son in 1997, the light of my life! Since then I have had 3 miscarriages... they are devastating. I pray that as you watch your boys grow up you heal and know that God's plan may not be what we have in mind, but it is what is best. (Not always so easy to believe when we're going through it though).
Every minute that I spend with my boy reminds me that I am truly blessed, and that God has a plan... part of it being that I get to be the favorite auntie to all the new babies in my family! ;)
Hugs to you and your family... and I can't wait to see the weekly pics of baby boy #3!

Maureen said...

As one who has also just had the anniversary of a loss, I can relate. I'm so sorry.

I am so happy though that baby #3 is nearly here! The loss you suffered will make that first cuddle with the new baby a little more sweet, I think.


spinsandknits said...

I had two miscarriages:
one several years before DD was born.
Then again a couple months before conceiving DS.
My love and sympathy to all who have gone through this.
I lit a candle tonight, too, in remembrance of the sweet souls who moved on too soon. And for those of us left behind.

Kathleen said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. What a sad thing to have to go through as a parent. I'm glad you've had the courage to share this here, both for your own catharsis and for others who come across your blog looking for comfort after their own miscarriages.

I had a c-section with my son, (with a pretty easy recovery) and am not sure if I'll try a vbac with the next one. It's such a hard decision, there are so many pros and cons. And of course don't even do online searches on it, or you'll find every horror story in the book! lol

Balkan Style Bloggers said...

Oh, Robyn! I've been catching up on my blog reading, and I had missed this post earlier. :( I, too, wish I could give you a big hug. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a baby. I'm sorry that you were suffering silently. I'm also glad that you shared your loss with us. It means a lot.