Wednesday, December 06, 2000

Under Stress...

Wrote this email to my boyfriend today. Haven't heard from him yet, he's out playing hockey on his youth league. Got a lot off my chest, feel relieved & better.


I'm having a bad week. I know I haven't sent you an email in ages, but since we don’t get to talk as much on the phone anymore, I decided that I would sit here and type you up something. I am sitting here & I'm in between papers. I just finished my creative writing final manuscript, just need to type that up, and all I have left is my Angela’s ashes paper, which is half done. The half done is on paper, but I am going to finish it while typing it, because I cant stand the sight of paper anymore. I just can’t wait for school to be done. I am under stress & I can't wait for that weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I think I have lots of anxiety. That’s what my cousin has led me to believe... but anyhow. As I said before, I'm having a shitty week. Sorry if I am overacting at things. The stress of everything is coming down on me hard. Maybe my life will get back to normal on Friday afternoon once I'm done all my classes. My room's a mess and that's making me feel bleh... I don’t know what I want to do with my life & about school, so that is bringing me down even more. Why is it so hard? I meant what I said before in my message. I feel that we are strong as a couple & that I'm able to share my feelings with you, openly. I don’t know why it is easier to share my feelings written down, than in person. I guess sometimes it's because our lives are so busy that when something (like what I am feeling) that is important to me, I best express it when I take the time to think about it, and write, or type, rather than say it in person or on the phone. This way, by typing, or writing, I can proof read & make sure it comes out right...

What's bothering me right now (& it is not a bad thing, because it is something that can be fixed) is that I feel that you don’t care so much anymore about our plans. You know that I am one who likes to know what's going on. I hate leaving things till last minute, and when you do leave things to last minute you end up doing nothing and bumming around complaining that there is nothing to do. 8 months ago, you did care about what we were doing. I know that it's not 8 months ago & we've changed as people. For the better, over the past 8 months & that we've grown as couple as well. I want my feelings to count, to matter, to get acknowledged. It is said that the rough spot for couples is between 6 months into a relationship until the end of the 9th month... Well, we are in the middle of that. I am confident that we, as a couple, will make it through that, and come out on the other end, still happy & in love. But there are a few things that are bothering me. It's probably minor things to you, but it's things that are important to me. I feel that I have the right to have you meet me half way & in a relationship, you need that compromise.. Now, I know you're not the one to share your feelings. I've gotten used to that. I know that you love me, because you tell me that you do. But, I don't think I've heard you tell me that you love me, in person, except for a few times, ages ago. Yes, you do say "love you" to me on the phone, but I've never even heard you say the complete sentence. "I love you." Love you, just isn’t the same. And hearing it over the phone & hearing it in person, are two different things. Now, I am not expecting to hear it all the time, nor do I want that, but, once in a while? I don't think that is so bad...nor too much to ask for.

Another thing that I want to mention, I like to be kissed, I like to be caressed, I like the whole cuddling thing, and I like the hand holding thing. With the exception of you caring to not get me sick so you didn’t kiss me last night, I have been with you on several occasions where we have not kissed at all, or have not kissed until I have left your house, so it's a kiss goodbye. Kissing is a good thing. It's an intimate thing that we share; that I think is more intimate and more important than anything more than that. Even though you were sick last night, and didn’t want to kiss me to get me sick, why didn't you reach over and hold my hand, or want to cuddle? I felt ignored almost all last night. Also, I like getting a kiss from you when I am over and you've just come home from a long day at work. I would want to come home to the good things in life after a long day at work & get a kiss too, if it was the other way around. So more effort on your behalf with simple things like kisses out of the blue and that stuff would be appreciated. So Surprise Me. That's all I ask.

I feel as though the last conversation we had about all this, a while back, left no impact on you, and so that's why I am saying some of this again, for a second time... We both have wants and we both have needs & this is what I need from you in order to make things work. I don't even think I am being demanding. It's not as if I am some girls I know, demanding for material items from their boyfriends. I know some girls who use their boyfriends. You know I am not like that. I don't think it's bad that I am asking for a little more attention than I am getting right now, and a little bit more support. You are being very supportive by the way. You are the only one sure thing in my life right now. Thanks for being there for me this semester in school. All those wake up calls, all those pushes to stay on track with my classes and work. Especially with autobiography and the struggles I was going through. I don't know if I would have made it without you.

You are the best thing that has happened to me in the longest time. I love you with all my heart, to infinity and beyond. I can't wait to have my first new year's kiss, my first valentine kiss too, and see what the future holds for us. We've been through a lot in the past 8 months, and there have been many good times and many bad times.... I just want to hear those words, from someone's mouth at least if it's not going to be through yours, that everything is going to be ok. Come Friday when school is out, my emotional roller coaster will be finished. I think it's all the pressure of school work (which I should be getting back to in a few minutes) that has me bugging low... Please help me get through the next few days. I thought things would get back to normal once your parents were back at home, recovering, and I am glad that they are getting their health back. With less running around to do, I thought that things would only get better. I think they have only stayed the same, stressed. I miss those mid-day phone calls. I understand that you are busy at work. I really do miss those though. Just thought I would tell you. I miss hearing about how hockey is going, and about your day. I don't share that with me anymore. Like I know something got screwed up with your hockey tournament because your dad mentioned something in passing, but you haven't said a word about it to me, yet. What are you waiting for? I do care about the things that are going on in your life. If there's a reason why you're not sharing things like that with me, please tell me... It's the little things in life that count. It's the little things in life that matter to me. Please make them important to you too. That's all I ask. I take the time to think about you when I am making a decision, & I'd appreciate some thought in your day as well. I know that life is stressed out right now, but if you truly do love me (my whole crazy package & all, the happy times, the emotional times, and now the stressed times) please take the time to consider what I am saying, and try to work with me here. It means a lot to me. I hope I am getting across to you. I love you & don't want to lose what we have over stupidity. But I am in this relationship with you, too, & I hope my feelings matter. I feel better now that I've gotten this all off my chest. I know this was a long email, but I had to say everything that is in here..

Yours, Me

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